Day 523<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In the past few days, I’ve been feeling the need to write again, apart from poetry. Why? Because it keeps me clean. I’ve been attending more meetings lately too, because it keeps me clean. I take more time to rest, because it keeps me clean. I cry, because it keeps me clean. Everything at this moment revolves around staying clean. Is it difficult? Yes. At the moment, it is. Now that I’m finally almost pain-free, after my treatment for ACNES on Friday, I woke up pain-free for the first time from Sunday to Monday. I’m not pain-free throughout the day, but starting the day without pain is a blessing. However, it gives my body and mind the opportunity to make room for things that had no space before. Extreme fatigue is one of them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
These past three days, I’ve realized just how incredibly tired I am from carrying so much. Even basic things like hay fever hit me hard. Bam! Full-blown, tears, sniffles, sneezing. It feels like having the flu. I also feel feverish. In fact, I have a fever. But I’m also irritable. The triangle of self-obsession held me tight in the days following the procedure. And when I thought it was over, it was the first place I fell into\u2014self-pity.Currently, I’m in step 4. It includes the resentment list and the list of fears, among others.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It’s no secret, or I don’t keep it a secret, that my mother is in the top 3 of my resentment list (I’m on there too). And in that same top 3 of my fear list, the fear of failure-not being good enough is at the top.Living with resentment towards someone for past events while having a loving relationship with that person is like tap dancing on a tightrope. You can respond lovingly to everything until the wind blows too hard, something shakes, whatever…and then you lose your balance. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
This is particularly painful when it is directly related to that one fear. And that’s when I fall into self-pity. And there are various things that happen before the final two links in the chain. The second to last is my mother, and the very last is myself.These days, I’m discovering patterns. I set expectations, surround myself with busyness, and still plan that one extra appointment because my sick brain thinks I can handle it all. And somewhere at the end of those links, after a question, suddenly a feeling of failure to rejection emerges.My world collapses then. I cry, I scream, I have thoughts, and I enter the triangle of self-obsession. Poor me, poor me, pour me another drink. In itself, that’s okay. Life is a learning process. But it throws me into such turmoil that it endangers my own clean time. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Precisely at the moment when the feeling of failure or rejection sets in, it’s like a floodgate opens. Obsessive behavior. In that moment, I can hurt someone deeply without realizing it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Nowadays, I’m quicker to find the brakes and indicate that I’m struggling internally and will come back to it later.It’s up to me to break free from that triangle. It’s up to me to prioritize my recovery and sit down with myself and the program. Regain control over emotions, keep eating, shift my thoughts, reflect, attend meetings, talk about it with others IN the program. Because one addict can understand another addict best… And also write.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I know that I’m not supposed to speak for others (addicts). But I believe many can find recognition in this.No, I haven’t spoken to my mother yet. No, I still feel a lot. But I’m working on it. I’m not avoiding her, I’m avoiding a relapse. I’m not avoiding my feelings, I’m avoiding the overwhelming nature they can bring. I’m not avoiding myself, but I am avoiding negative thoughts. In doing so, I can find peace. Applying all these steps makes me believe that a power greater than myself is taking care of things and will make them right.This week, I surrender my will to God, as we understand Him, and I pray until I feel okay again. Not to make myself better, because I won’t. But I can learn from this to do better next time. And maybe it will take ten more times.So tonight, my whole self, including my behind, will be at a meeting. Just like yesterday.God… grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,The courage to change the things I can,And the wisdom to know the difference.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sending all my love. And have a good 24 hours. Right now, it’s truly “one day at a time.”And that’s okay.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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